dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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