I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
