He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
