I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
