tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
