Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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