he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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