yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
