All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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