I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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