Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Found the puke drawer
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
