This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
