My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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