Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
