a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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