this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
