I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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