If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
40s are totally the cure
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
