Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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