just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Can you repeat that, but with context?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
