Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
BRING THE BAGELS
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize