I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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