haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
