I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
