You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize