So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
