I could have mohawked her pubes.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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