Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
