i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I supernannyed him into submission
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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