I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
