I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
