I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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