i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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