hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
