so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
