My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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