we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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