i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
