How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I touched a dick in church today
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
