You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
