I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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