You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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