You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
