you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
