I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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