I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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