nutella sex= disaster
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
how does that bad decision feel?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize