The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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