apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
