just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
