you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
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