I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
