Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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