cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize